The Identity Supremacy Ultimatum | The Jason Bourne Travel Package
In honor of the release of The Bourne Legacy, we at Awkward Travel LLC asked ourselves, what would happen if you actually followed the footsteps of Jason Bourne? And not just from TNT to TBS at 3 am on a Saturday night after a seedy trip to the bar, but on an international pilgrimage of violence and intrigue? What if you went to every place that he visits in the trilogy? Welcome to The Identity Supremacy Ultimatum™.
Do you like crossing borders? Do you like rampaging? Do you like carrying around a weathered photograph of Franka Potente? Then the Identity Supremacy Ultimatum tour package is for you!
You will: be dropped in the waters of the Mediterranean — be hauled by a fishing boat to a nameless Italian city — take a train to Switzerland — drive a classic Mini (w/chase upgrade available) to Paris — drive a stolen Sierra hatchback through explosions in the countryside south of France — go back to Paris — go to Mykonos, Greece for scooters and tans — go to Goa, India for dysentery and your significant other’s tragic murder — (somehow) ferry to Naples for further rampaging — drive a stolen BMW to Munich then Berlin — Moscow New York Moscow Paris AGAIN — go to London — take the high speed rail to Madrid, Spain –take the ferry to Tangier, Morocco — then round off the trip back in New York for your second cheap look at Pamela Landy through a window!
While you cross each border (with a different passport) the Awkward Travel LLC executive team promises to sit around a plush mahogany conference table and tensely discuss your movements. WHERE THE HELL IS HE/SHE PEOPLE!? We further commit to slinking in and out of various Awkward Travel LLC safe houses and sub-stations with silenced pistols while monitoring where on the grid you have popped up. At least one static monitor of your file will remain on at all times. We want YOU in a body-bag by sundown.
You will be outfitted with disposable cellphones and disposable patsy border officials. Count steps! Count employees! Count exits! And if you think you’re being followed then retrace all of it but this time remember the license plates of all the cars and the dominate hand of all the waitresses! You might have amnesia but you can do this! We will also provide a safety deposit box rife with clues to your identity. Hint. You get headaches.
Banks, Embassies, Train Stations, Cafes, Hotel Lobbies, The Apartments of Other Spies! You’ll learn how to kill people with not just knifes and guns or your bare fists, but also things that are sitting around like pens and magazines and the embarrassingly inept motorcycle driving of the local Polizei.
Regardless of the legalese at the bottom of the contract, we’re going to be upfront. You must commit to a couple of things. You must know what to do with the insides of all cellphones and walkie talkies (lots of wires!), as well as have the ability to dismember any gun while walking briskly away from authorities.
If you get laid, the object of your spy love (Stockholm Syndrome) MUST cut and dye their hair the morning after.
You should be able to scale walls and always be aware of the movement of security cameras. Most importantly you must commit to finding the real YOU. This is a soul searching vacation. We want you to feel refreshed and replenished, like a blank slate. It’s really like a coming-of-age travel package except you have to cure your own wounds with a rusty needle and cheap vodka in a dirty bus station sink.
If at any moment you run into another Identity Supremacy Ultimatum™ tourist you, unfortunately, must fight them to the death. However you can spare them at the last moment if you wistfully look into their eyes and say, “Look at us. Look at what they make you give.”
On the last day you will happen across the evil mastermind of this whole nefarious plan that set you in motion. Make the check out to “AWKWARD TRAVEL” and give it to him.
It’s done. Shut it down.
Please contact us for package information. Your real name may or may not be David Webb.